That last night I was afraid of oversleeping and having to rush to get to the airport, so I stayed awake. Not once did I close my eyes, not once did I have a break at the thundering sound of the clock ticking time away. I kept busy by checking and rechecking every list I had written, trying to make sure I was not forgetting something. Dreading the idea of him getting over there and not having something he needed. The deafening quiet was interrupted by Tyson's screams and as bad as I felt for him, I was almost thankful that he was awake to break up what seemed the longest night of my life. He had been bitten by a spider earlier that evening and the swelling had become much worse. After the decision was made not to take him to the hospital, I made him a bed on the couch where I could keep a close eye on him. I got him settled back down with a dose of Tylenol to ease his pain enough to allow him a few more hours of sleep. The alarm went off at 2:30am and I heard Jeff moving around in the bedroom. I did not go to him, I did not talk to him, I was angry and hurt. I can't tell you how much guilt I have for feeling this way, but I did. We both got ourselves ready in total silence. Him upset about leaving, me upset for so many things. Right before it was time to head out the door, everything that I was feeling came flooding out and he held me as I cried. He understood and tried to make things right, but knowing that we were about to leave that house for the last time as a family of 3 was just too much. Tears could not be held back, pain could not be numbed. When we woke Tyson to put him into the truck, everything finally hit him. He realized this really was going to happen and that this was the last time his daddy would be at his house for the next 328 days. This was the last picture taken of Tyson and Daddy before we got into the car to head for the airport.
Thankfully Tyson slept the entire hour's drive to the airport. I spent almost the entire drive crying while Jeff tried to play the role of the tough guy. Once we arrived at the airport my attitude was changed almost instantly. When we arrived there at 4:20am and checked in, it appeared there were very few others flying out at that early hour. When we went up the escalator to the waiting area and boarding gates, I was taken back when I saw almost every seat was occupied by a soldier. Men and women who were flying home, flying to a new camp or flying to a much scarier place like Iraq. As I sat in one of the few empty seats, I started feeling so angry at myself. Angry for allowing myself to get so upset about Jeff flying off to Korea to be a teacher. Flying away to help teach children and bring so much to their lives. Here I was praying for nothing to happen to Jeff and there all these men and women sat with the real threat of danger and the possibility of not seeing their families again. It was then that I stopped feeling so bad for him and myself. The tears stopped and everything was good. Tyson and Jeff had a wonderful time riding the escalators up and down and watching the planes take off. It was not until they actually called for him to board the plane that we all broke down. Not one of us had a dry eye as we came to our last goodbye.
Once Jeff finally crossed behind the gate and we could no longer be with him, Tyson started screaming out for his daddy. Listening to him trying to call his Daddy back to him brought me to tears. I no longer felt bad for myself, but for Tyson. He didn't understand fully why his Dad had to go and why he could not go with him. He begged me to let him go onto the plane, to go over to Korea with his Daddy so he wouldn't be alone. It seemed like a breath of time when by before we saw his plane taxi out to the runway and with a blink of an eye, his plane was in the air and out of sight. Walking away from that gate made me realize that it was just the two of us for the next year. I told Tyson as we walked to the car that we were going to have to be partners and help each other in every way we could. He though that was such a great idea and immediately started listing off ways he could help me and I him. Our first task alone was to go to Sam's Club to get gas for the long drive home. He was so funny when I pulled up to the pump he asked me if I wanted him to get the gas for me since that use to be Daddy's job. Tearing up once again, we both got out of the car to fill it together. It's something we have done each and every time since.
The ride home was strangely quiet. I managed to make the entire hour's drive and only see one or two other cars pass me by. Tyson was so exhausted from the stress of the morning and fell asleep as soon as I pulled onto the highway. I turned the music up and just let myself cry the entire drive home. I vowed to let this be the last time I would cry for Jeff being gone because from the time I got home, I had to be the strong one for Tyson. I was in now way going to allow myself to fall apart and let him see that I was upset, worried or lonely. I wanted him to know from day one that everything would be great with just the two of us. As soon as I pulled into my driveway I dried my tears and put a smile on my face. I carried Tyson into a very dark and quiet house and started our first day without Jeff there. Tyson was still very tired so I put him back to bed on the couch and finally allowed myself to sleep for the first time in 49 hours.
Tracking Jeff's flight
Tyson missing Daddy
I let him sleep in Daddy's favorite shirt to make him feel better
No comments:
Post a Comment